Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
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So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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