Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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