Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
