i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
