Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I want a musical about memes.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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