My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You have to summon your inner elephant
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
