he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
