i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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