I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
When are your genitals available?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
