apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
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when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
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I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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