is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
