Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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