i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
