I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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