i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
