I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
