you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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