He kissed a someone with a penis
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
not ubering you a puppy
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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