Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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