Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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