Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
