she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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