I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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