he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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