Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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