My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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