he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
