Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
