Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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