I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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