When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
