i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
