This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
