Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
