I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
