she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
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I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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