Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
