my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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