Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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