I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
