Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
