He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
