so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
