do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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