I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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