i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
