i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
