I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
