You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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