Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
