Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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