Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Randomize
